


blurry

by mooky100



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Langst, Other, Sad Ending, idk other tags lol, oh yeah rated as teen for strong language, this is just a vent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-12-07 15:11:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11626167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mooky100/pseuds/mooky100
Summary: it's just so tiring.when will i be able to feel okay?





	blurry

**Author's Note:**

> damn my sick title haha i suck at titles :'(

The cold ice of blue digged deep into the Cuban boy’s shoulders, into his body and veins. It felt numb, but at the same time, it felt like he was being burned alive. Lance wanted to rid of the blue that taunted him and froze him up and  _ destroyed _ him. But how could he, when that blue had kept him in the right place, when it was the only label he had?

-

Red was more painful though. 

_ He  _ represented red.  _ He _ was the beautiful, crazed but lovely, rich and perfect red that everybody loved. And believe him, Lance loved red, too. Red was pretty and amazing, confident and without flaws. Lance loved red a lot.

That doesn’t mean red didn’t hurt him just as much.

Red tore Lance  _ apart _ .

There was just so much of red that Lance disappeared and was forgotten. Red overtook him by so much, the last sliver of blue quickly dissolved into that red that engulfed and swallowed. 

Lance would try to  _ imitate _ red. He figured if red was loved so much, maybe, just maybe, the blue could be loved just as much if he  _ looked  _ like red. And then, everyone would love him and he would be happy, surrounded in affection and appreciation. Red would not crowd him, but embrace him and be allies with blue. 

Lance could only dream of being red. 

He tried so hard, trying to copy their very movements, tactics, ways of speaking and their accent, vocal tones, everything that defined red.

But no matter what, blue just couldn’t capture it. Blue could only try, and trying got him nowhere. Everyone still loved red because it was so alive and it had the  _ confidence _ to slither and dance and entertain. Attention was pushed to red and spotlights gleamed back to them, blue once again disappearing.

So the blue paladin tried again.

He tried to become closer with the red paladin, calling themselves buddies and aligning with red’s friends, with red’s interests.

Even that didn’t cut it.

Lance was left out of conversations he couldn’t keep up with because what would he say? Surely every word he uttered would be stumbled and stuttered, and all that he said would get weird looks and awkward air until red broke it and everyone laughed with red and  _ at _ blue. 

God, that hurt so  _ much _ .

But Lance couldn’t just be silent. That would be much too awkward, and he would fade in the blinding light that red gave off, and he  _ needed _ to be known, to show off some blue so he could be recognized.

Those bright colors that red acquainted himself with hurt Lance’s head. They were so above him, so much superior compared to Lance’s ugly features and incompetent skills,  if he could even call them skills. 

The blue paladin was assured that red still stuck by his side and stayed pals.

But of course, since everything didn’t go Lance’s way, that too faded in a swirl of black.

Black was red’s best friend, best buddy, his superior pal. They knew so much more about each other, and were suitable. The two of them could keep up a conversation and have lots of fun together, of course.

It hurt the  _ most _ when Lance realized Keith had completely forgotten him.

When Shiro was in the healing pod recovering from injuries due to the last mission, Keith actually trained with Lance for once. And that was so great, because Lance felt wanted, felt needed, felt  _ blue _ again. The good blue.

Blue dissolved into dark ice that froze and wracked his body with fear and sobs soon enough.

“Why’re you in the training room with me, Keith?” Lance expected an apology or appreciative comment, like  _ Lance, I’m sorry for forgetting you, let’s hang out.  _ Or  _ Hey, just wanted to have your company for a while. _

All he got back was a comment that didn’t even  _ hide _ Keith’s intentions. 

“Well, Shiro’s in the healing pod and I needed time to kill.”

Oh.

So that’s all he was now?

A fucking  _ replacement _ ? So Keith didn’t seem alone?

Lance felt  _ used.  _ Felt like all the trying and tired aches he felt trying to be noticed came down in ashy crumbles. 

He remembered the times when they were still friends.

Keith had come to his room after a nightmare, and Lance was more than happy to offer support and consolation.  

Red spoke in shivered and shuddered words, fear clearly showing through.

“I d-dreamt it was all gone. Bodies were everywhere. And when I looked to my hands,  _ I had blood on them up to my wrists _ .”

He sounded so shaken up, so scared and lost. 

The blue paladin gave tissues and wiped his tears away, consoled him in a small voice that told him it’s  _ okay _ , it’ll be  _ okay, _ and if it’s not, he told him that it was okay to  _ cry and feel remorse.  _ Lance reminded Keith of all the beauties and perfections of him. How he admired him so much, and some Galra blood could never get between that. That blood didn’t mean you were suddenly on the enemy’s side.

Keith thanked Lance and told him he was a good friend.

That burst of blue sprouted in his heart, a smile slowly inching towards his face once Keith left.

“I’m his friend! I’m wanted and appreciated and I do things for him! I can help!”

Lance remembered those thoughts bitterly and cringed. 

It wasn’t like that anymore.

He didn’t know if Keith even called him his  _ friend _ at all anymore.

He cast aside his eyes as not to show his disappointment in Keith’s effort.

“Oh, okay. Well, train however much you’d like.”

The rest of the training session had an uncomfortable air. Lance felt disgusting and useless; the red everybody loved treated him so  _ recklessly.  _ As if he didn’t feel any of the things he said.

That night, he couldn’t stop thinking about it. The conclusion rose to his head slowly, and even though it was harsh, it seemed the most reasonable. 

_ I’m just not needed _ .

He  _ knew _ he couldn’t get into Shiro and Keith’s conversations half of the time because he was so  _ sure _ . So sure that Shiro despised him, didn’t care for him at all.Everybody loved red and ignored that gross blue, so what was even the use?

He let himself be engulfed and ripped apart. Red sneaked up on him and hunched over, ready to swallow him alive. 

Burning, scorching, painful red was everywhere. It was everywhere and the blue was already in such shambles and ashy remains; who was he now?

Lance had tried so hard to imitate red, he was a dark mix of reds, yellows, hints of black and green. 

His blue was gone.

So hard had he tried to become useful for himself that those personality traits other people represented that he was just gone.

In the mirror, the blue paladin could barely recognize himself in the mirror, just a mess of colors.

Of course, hiding this was easy.

He could keep acting like he mattered, acting like he was just like red, like he could somehow  _ fit _ and lodge himself in a cramped spot much too tight, but he wouldn’t complain.

Every action, simple joke, lighthearted comment always stabbed far too hard, picking out all his insecurities with a rough hammer, nailing down the poor facts for him to see. 

It ached numbly, but he dealt with it just barely.

The teenager wishes Keith would look his way at least once, ignore Shiro’s words to observe Lance and how the area around him was simply different. He wished Keith noticed.

Lance hid it far too well for someone to realize. He acted the same way, similar to Keith and all the other paladins’ traits he had stolen to present as his own. So wishing someone would realize without taking action himself was just senseless. After all, you couldn’t bring up something like that in conversation. You can’t say loudly, “Hey, I feel worthless genuinely and just needed you guys to know? Not looking for pity or anything, maybe some acknowledgement.” He knew if he said that, the paladins would jump up and list all the ways he was beautiful in their eyes, and he knew that was a blatant lie. If Lance was such a ‘best friend,’ why was he tossed aside so much? Was he less of a best friend?

Though these things were so obvious, the paladin still wished in the back of his sore heart that those words were true. 

Keith still didn’t give much effort into caring for Lance. So Lance didn’t really give effort either. When they were so close, they just grew apart. 

Well, can it be called growing apart when another’s voice was so much louder and better than your own? When the former friend had left you for someone more appealing?

Lance didn’t know.

The blue paladin was fucking  _ sick _ of all the shit Keith had thrown at him, left him in the dust. When Shiro wasn’t available, the red paladin always cobbled back, using Lance as a second choice, but never a priority. The Cuban boy knew he wasn’t anyone’s priority, but at least others gave effort into the friendship. Keith just gives us and comes back, getting Lance’s hopes up and throwing them, squashing them down just seconds later. He knew he felt too much. He knew he could never truly give up on thinking about Keith. But fake it till you make it, right?

Lance stopped giving in effort, too. When his ‘rival,’ and ‘friend’ asked him a question about his training, Lance usually responded with a simple, “It went fine,” or, “Okay.”

He was just so sick and tired of giving in effort, cursing himself to disappear, taking step after step to try and be validated. If he wasn’t getting any gain, what was the point?

Their relationship tore off more and more into tiny little pieces that all they could call themselves were ‘acquaintances.’ 

That’s all Lance wanted them to be. No emotional attachment, just soldiers fighting in space. 

It’s the closest he could be to a perfect god anyways. 

**Author's Note:**

> uh this is literally just me venting through lance. i don't really support the idea of langst and other crazy shenanigans because lance should suffer or something. this is just somewhat of an au where lance has bigger insecurities and feels very incompetent as well as keith being a shitty friend  
> ofc the characters in the real show are actually friends with lance and lance isn't extremely sad! i don't want this bb to be sad ; '(  
> sorry for the long notes, just wanted to clarify this isn't in the canon based world and is an au where there's lots of langst so yeah!  
> ty for reading! :)


End file.
